Unsure of how to address your foster parents? That’s okay, we know that it’s not as simple as it sounds and probably stirs up a range of emotions – from anxiety and guilt to grief and confusion.
The way we address someone can say a lot about our relationship with them. For example, you may call a teacher ‘Sir’ or ‘Ms’, but have a funny nickname for your best friend that only the two of you understand.
That’s why we’ve created this blog, to help you weigh up your options and find a name that feels safe, natural, and comfortable when you use it.
Why the name you choose matters
As a child in care, you might feel as though you haven’t had much say in anything that’s happened to you in your life so far. And let’s be honest, that sucks. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated and even angry about having no control over your life.
But deciding how you’ll address members of your foster family helps others hear your voice and gives you the chance to choose a name that makes sense to you. After all, you don’t want to spend the entire time that you live with your foster family, addressing them by names that make you feel uncomfortable or frustrated.
Here are some tips to help you pick a name that works for you.
Reflect on your relationship
If you’ve only just moved in with your foster family, you’re unlikely to feel comfortable calling them something really casual, and it will be way too early for you to come up with a nickname that makes sense.
To begin with, you might call your foster parents by their first names, or by their title and surname, like Mrs Jones, but over time, once you’ve got to know each other, the name will likely evolve with your relationship, and a formal name won’t seem fitting or comfortable anymore.
Reflecting on your relationship with your foster parents is a good first step towards choosing a suitable name for them.
Say some names out loud
Sometimes names sound better out loud than they do in our heads. So pick a few and test to see how they make you feel when you say them. You could practice them on your friends, and if they’re also in foster care, they might be able to lend a hand in choosing the right names.
Some young people are happy to call their foster parents ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, whereas for others, that’s a stretch too far and ‘Auntie’ and ‘Uncle’ feel like better options. You may naturally come up with a nickname as you get to know each other based on a shared funny situation or their hobbies and interests.
Talk openly about name options
Once you have one or two name ideas, talk to your foster parents to test them out and see what they think.
You could have a chat about it over dinner, or while you’re on a walk. They might prefer being called one thing over another or already have some names in mind that could help you decide.
Don’t be disheartened if you’ve come up with a nickname that they aren’t too keen on; if you work together, you can create something that you’re both happy with.
Don’t feel pressured
If your foster parents ask you to call them ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, but you’re not ready for that, or they want you to call them another name that you don’t connect with, you don’t have to say yes. Gently tell them that you aren’t comfortable with addressing them by that name, and they should understand.
The words ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ are particularly meaningful, and using them should feel natural, not forced. If you do feel pressured by your foster parents to address them in a certain way, talk to your social worker about how you feel.
Be kind to yourself
No matter what you decide to call your foster parents, honouring them by calling them a specific name will not erase your connection and memories with your family.
You can love and care for both your foster parents and your family at the same time; one doesn’t cancel out the other. So be kind to yourself, you’ve been through so much already, the last thing you need is to beat yourself up over what name to call them.
Names are a big deal, but what’s more important is your relationship with your foster family, and how they make you feel. If you’re not ready to pick a particular name, you can show them that you care in other ways, like saying thank you, hugging them if you’re comfortable with it, or just a smile that reminds them that they’re doing a good job.
