Growing up in foster care often means you’ve had a team around you – your foster parents, your FCA support workers, maybe teachers or social workers – who’ve stepped in to help handle tricky situations. That support has been really important in getting you to where you are today.
But as you grow older and gain independence, you’ll find yourself taking the lead in dealing with disagreements. That can feel exciting (because you’re proving you can stand on your own two feet) but also a bit daunting, because conflict isn’t always easy.
The good news? Conflict doesn’t have to be scary or messy. With the right tools, you can manage it calmly, keep your relationships strong, and still stand up for yourself.
Try the STOPP Method
One tool that can really help is the STOPP method:
- S – Stop. Pause before reacting.
- T – Take a breath. Calm your body and stop emotions from boiling over.
- O – Observe. Notice what’s happening inside you and around you – are you angry, anxious, tired?
- P – Perspective. Ask yourself: how important is this in the big picture? What would be a calmer response?
- P – Practice. The more you use STOPP, the easier it gets to stay in control.
It might feel awkward at first, but this method is a brilliant way to slow things down and avoid saying or doing something you’ll regret.
Pick Your Moment
Trying to sort out conflict at the wrong time can make things spiral. If someone’s stressed, distracted, or already angry, they’re less likely to listen – and things may get worse. Timing is just as important as what you say.
- Avoid “heat of the moment” talks. If you’re upset, wait until you’ve calmed down. Saying: “I need a bit of space, let’s talk later,” shows maturity.
- Choose a calmer setting. Difficult chats are easier without an audience or distractions.
- Think about their headspace. If someone’s exhausted or had a tough day, it might not be the best time.
- Plan ahead. You could say: “Can we chat tomorrow about how we’re sharing bills? I don’t want us to fall out.” Setting a time shows you’re serious but respectful.
Pick the right moment and you’re far more likely to be heard.
Listen Properly
In a disagreement, it’s natural to want to defend yourself – but conflict often gets worse because people don’t feel heard. Showing you’re listening can instantly calm things down.
- Don’t interrupt. Let them finish, even if you don’t agree.
- Show you’re paying attention. Nods, eye contact, or a quick “I get what you mean” go a long way.
- Repeat back what you’ve understood. For example: “So, you’re saying you’re worried I haven’t done my share of the housework?”
- Be open to their perspective. You don’t have to agree, but understanding their view helps find middle ground.
Listening doesn’t mean giving in – it shows you’re mature enough to take in the full picture before responding.
Look for Solutions, Not Battles
Conflict isn’t about winning or proving someone wrong – it’s about finding a way forward. When you focus on fixing the problem rather than fighting the person, things get easier.
- Think about the outcome. Do you want to be right, or do you want things to improve?
- Offer compromises. If you’re clashing over noise with a housemate, you could agree on quiet hours at night and headphones during the day.
- Brainstorm together. Ask: “What do you think would work for both of us?” to turn it into teamwork.
- Be realistic. Not everything will go your way, and that’s okay – independence means learning to negotiate.
- Know when to let go. Some disagreements just aren’t worth the energy.
By focusing on solutions, you show responsibility, maturity, and the ability to handle adult situations.
Know Where to Access Support
Being independent doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone. Some conflicts are too big, emotional, or complicated to handle without help. Reaching out shows strength, not weakness.
- Recognise when you’re stuck. If things keep going in circles or you’re left feeling anxious, it’s time to get support.
- Use your network. You still have people rooting for you – your FCA support team, former carers, mentors, or trusted friends. They can give advice, listen, or help mediate.
- Know your options.
- At work: speak to a manager, HR, or union rep.
- At college or uni: go to tutors, student services, or welfare officers.
- With housing: Citizens Advice and housing support services can help with landlord issues.
- Keep self-advocating. Even when you ask for help, explain clearly what’s happening and what you want to achieve. That way, you’re still leading the way.
Independence isn’t about cutting off support – it’s about knowing when to lean on it.
Growing up in foster care has meant that, at times, others have spoken up or acted on your behalf. Now, as you take more steps towards independence, you’re learning how to handle conflict yourself – and that’s a powerful skill.
It’s not about avoiding disagreements altogether. It’s about dealing with them in a way that helps you grow, keeps your relationships strong, and shows that you can handle yourself with confidence.
